in so many ways you have made your presence felt...the things that are loud and clear to me today:

... you have great plans for me

... you want me to trust my talents that you have given me

... that it's ok to slow down

... that you will be there to help me transition

... that with you, i should not be fearful

... that i have imperfections but that's ok

... and that i  should not feel insecure or less worthy

... and that i will get hurt and yet i will learn

...little by little you said it's ok...i'm scared but this feels so right...walking the path to you...

a couple of years back i woke up feeling that i am in a rut. the feeling stretched from a day, to weeks , months and to years.  work swallowed me and my frustrations were amazingly turned into a monster that left me helpless. for some strange reason, my output if indeed affected, remained shining and my self worth was still  left to be very valuable. through the help of my team who looked at me as the perfect leader, i was able to hurdle until such time that everybody was ready for me to take the big leap. well, the people i left behind upto this day have claimed not being able to move on but that is a different blog entry all together.

it took me approximately 3 years to finally cut myself off from the comforts that sheltered me for almost 7 years. everyday for almost 3 years i have asked myself, are you ready? as i go through the days, i'm always faced with reasons that comes in different forms why i should not take that leap. i have psyched myself into taking it, embracing it, breathing it...my desktop even contains a mantra each time i boot my PC. my dedication to make it happen overflowed and even worked as an advantage for  i was able to come up with an enrichment program that focuses on employee values alignment with that of the organization i belong...one of the legacy that i have left behind which i will always be proud of is a program entitled...L.E.A.P.

i'm closing into another 3 years since i have taken that leap. now i am faced with different challenges and different thirst. a part of me is screaming for more...more of the growth...more conquer...more victories...more exposure...more milestone...more opportunities for self actualization...more challenges...more initiatives for change...more territories to explore...more meaning into what i do...more people to mold and hone to the best of their abilities...

it's tempting as i have been tagged by 2 job hunters today. just like before, that was how the ball started rolling.i looked back to my accomplishments for the past years since i took my last leap. i have grown more, i have learned more, i have re-invented myself, i have done things beyond my limit...i have pushed myself to the edge and i am sterner...

am i ready to take another leap? are the signs telling me to take one now? i thought after the last one, everything will be a walk in a park...it is not. a very wise man once told me, goals and tasks should be the main focus, emotional attachments should be managed to at least 0 level. to him, no such thing exists. i countered "but relationships in the workplace regardless of category is an icing on the cake"...should i have listened?...i still believe not. for i always bring passion to anything and everything that i do. i can not be turned into a zombie, just going through the motion for the heck of it.

so i asked my self is there gonna be another leap?

i always try to have a can of sweets in my office. it eases my stress everytime i reached in and there's always the anticipation of getting my favorite flavor. a colleague asked once why don't i just  get rid of those that i don't like...because i still want to be surpriised and have a momentary feeling of being contented...

i have been pooling people for weeks. i'm getting tired and frustrated of the interview process but i still want to do it anyway inspite of that echoing voice in my head telling me that i can delegate. like the mixed fruits in my tin can, i was hoping against hope that i'm still gonna be surprised. it happened today! i found her...the one who i can tell have so much potentials but went through rough times that she totally forgot how good she is.

for years, i'm always challenged by working with different people. they say i have a gift to mentor, to bring out the best in a person, to make them realized of their individuality, their uniqueness and their gifts.i hope that i won't loose the touch...i hope i can still make her realize that she can go back on the saddle... 

i got my small win today...i found her. i just hope that she'll believe and she'll let the self actualization to happen...

last night as i watch you sleep, i was reminded of the day that you woke me up with your laughter as you sleep. you were eight and was having yummy dreams. i cant help myself but to talk to you as you sleep and hoped that you'd respond to my probing even if your eyes were close. you replied with arms extended as if you were reaching for something..."mommy it's so funny. elmos is being tickled by big bird and i will join them" . 

i started to look back and thought of wonderful memories that you have brought into my life. you will always be my little angel and as we grow through life together, there are more and more things that would always give us a feeling of awe and sooo much delight. these stuff will always bring me fond memories...

1. pesto in anything...as a child, you always ask for "green pasta"

2. enid blayton...with such rich imagination you never failed to feel the magic brought by the  gnomes, the pixies and fairies  ...and the pink elephant that i clasp  in my hand...

3. dr. seuss...green eggs and ham, horton, the fox, gertrude mcfuzz, lazy macy and our fave yertle the turtle

4. little mermaid...look at this stuff isn't it neat...we'd always sing it together with passion

5. the little red fire truck...that turns you into an energizer bunny whenever we sing along

as you turn into a young princess , we got hooked into...

6. tekken tag and 5...what a sore looser you are because i am too

7.  japanese food...your taste buds are not of a child's

8. lifestyle channel...crazy over "clean house, and the sunday marathon "barefoot contessa, molto mario..."

9. doze of cartoon...ginger, arnold and the zillas are stuff that we both don't want to miss

10. italian cook book...picking out a recipe that we can try to cook on a sunday

11. chick flicks...you've got mail, maid in manhattan, sweet home alabama, love affair, run away bride, while you were sleeping ... more please 

12. norah jones, hale, vanessa carlton...thanks to you i get to be updated with what's cool

13. basil, rosemary, mortadella with olives, lyoner...i can't wait for the day when you'll also enjoy wine and cheese

14. PIANDRE...best seller! it's fun to get fixed and gossip with you at the same time. talk about hung ups and the other specie  

15. books and mags ... Harry, witchie, kzone and better homes...best part is the butt foo while we read and get sucked into a different world...

16. bazaar...bazaar...bazaar...we just don't enjoy the shopping, we both win the raffles too...dangerous duo...

i hope that this list will grow longer...that would mean...you are a little me...scary!!!!

scared. that was the first emotion that i felt the first time i saw her. she's wrapped in blue sheets and she looks very fragile. what if i make a mistake, what if i she would prefer someone else, what if i don't measure up to her expectaions. will she be proud of me? how can she be proud? do i have enough wisdom to share with her? how will i treat her? what if she starts asking questions that i am not ready to answer? what if i can't give her enough? how will i do it?

looking at her cross another milestone brought me back to the day when i first saw her. my soul, my spirit is twirling with pride and joy. she did ask and i answered. i tried and she coped. i shared and she opened up. i poured and she accepted everything. she trusted and it gave me a lot of faith and confidence. she became my salvation...